#73 - How to motivate others (and yourself) pt1
Are we trying to answer an impossible question?
How do you motivate others (and yourself)?
Yesterday I was talking with the football coach of an amateur team. I asked him: what’s the most challenging part of the job? He told me “keeping the guys motivated”. I realized his answer was incredibly similar to the one I got from all the professional sport coaches I’ve talked or worked with. Regardless of the level, motivation is the holy grail everyone is searching for in sport.
Then it occurred to me that the top managers of the sport clubs and companies we work with basically ask us the same question. How do I motivate the guys in my team? Apparently businesses are seeking this too.
Last week I was at a parent-teacher meeting, and - once again - we spent most of the conversation talking about the work they’re doing to keep the kids motivated.
Can you blame them? A child with a fire in their eyes, excited about something and motivated to explore it with joy and determination is one of humanity’s best sights. Obviously this is true in parenting as well.
Last but not least, I think we can agree that the entire “self-help” category is based upon this never-ending quest to motivate ourselves. Whether we call it “how to beat procrastination”, or “how to be more productive”, or “making bold choices”, “going for what you want”, “developing grit”, and so on, we’re just trying to answer that same question again and again.
How do you motivate others (and yourself)?
The reason this is such a common question is that we all know there is a state where any human being is basically unstoppable. When it almost seems like we’re guided by something different and bigger, while being more ourselves than we ever did. We’re determined, creative, energized, willing to go the extra mile, trying something new. When we’re “motivated,” we’re better listeners and better communicators. We’re naturally resilient: we don’t need to remind ourselves to not give up, because the thought of stopping would never occur to us. In fact, we may need someone to remind us to take a break from time to time! And it feels great. When that fire is on, our experience is so good to almost become addictive.
You’re reading and you’re nodding because you’ve seen and felt this a million times in yourself and in others. There is literally nothing else in the entire world more powerful than a human being (or a group of them) that is lit up in that way. We intuitively know that there’s no challenge that wouldn’t be infinitely easier if we knew how to unlock that power constantly in us and in the people we share our journey with.
Fighting climate change, winning the world cup or starting up a new project, everything looks different and more achievable if all the parties are “motivated”.
We want our children to be motivated because we know it will open up infinite possibilities for them in life.
We want our teams to be motivated because we know that if they have that fire in their eyes there is no solution we won’t find or goal we won’t reach.
Once a pro football (soccer) head-coach told me these exact words:
“Look, in this world we all like to work on tactics, technique, strategy and so on. It makes us feel smart and in control. But, at the end of the day, there is that ‘thing’ - that team spirit or motivation - that when it’s there, you win championships and when it isn’t, you won’t get far no matter all the stuff you may try. I’ve seen it again and again in my career, no exceptions.”
Two other professional football coaches I’ve worked with told me that “when the team is motivated - on fire - there is no need to coach them”. In other words, for them strategy and tactics were surrogate and alternatives to true motivation.
Now, my opinion is that they may have gone a bit too far there. In the sense that I believe there’s a place and value for skills, tactics, and strategies. In sport like in any other area. But, regardless, all those examples show that what we often call “motivation” is an incredibly powerful force we are all familiar with, and that can make a massive difference. And yet, we know so little about it.
We may not realize it, but this quest for motivation becomes almost an obsession. We sign up for yoga or mindfulness classes because we’d love to feel that sense of freshness, aliveness, lightness and inspiration we know is available to us.
The coach screams at the athletes hoping to get that fire going.
The parent punishes the kid, in an ultimate attempt to draw out that motivation using fear as the catalyst.
We implement reward systems and we talk about accountability at work, trying to induce behaviors that normally come natural when people are motivated. Weekly meetings, objectives and targets become a surrogate of real motivation. Because we do not know how to find that fire, we feel that we have no other choice but to enforce those outcomes with rules, guidelines and the threat of consequences.
Now, as long as the question is “How do you motivate others (and yourself)?,” all those behaviors make perfect sense. As long as “the job” is to put motivation into someone (or myself), I’ll try in as many ways as I can to do just that. I’ll try with fear, with positivity, with screams or with whispers. I’ll try with rituals and a bit of superstition. Mostly, I’ll tell my people (or myself) to “just do it”, you have to be more motivated!
I’ll come up with explanations for why it’s essential to be motivated, I’ll describe the stakes and the terrible scenarios in case of failure. Or I’ll try to touch the ego, “show me you’re as good as you say you are!”.
When it doesn’t happen, I’ll link it with care. I’ll emotionally blackmail my people (or myself) making up this idea that “if you really cared you’d be more motivated. You’d try harder!”.
And when all else fails, I’ll turn to anger and disappointment. “Fine, if you don’t care then there’s no place for you in this team” (or “in my life”). When we’re doing this to ourselves, it often leads to innocent-yet-terrible choices where we give up on things, projects or relationships we actually didn’t want to give up on.
Can you see all of this happening? Can you see the logic behind it?
Before we move forward, it’s essential to see what’s currently going on and why we do what we do. We’re all trying our best and most of the times this obsession with motivating others (and ourselves) comes from a good place and loving intentions.
So, if our behavior makes sense, why do we still struggle with motivation at any level and in any area of life?
I hear of young men finally making it in pro football, realizing their lifelong dream, only to lack motivation for the daily training or even for game day. This happens to all of us. We like to believe that motivation is a property of the type of action we’re supposed to take. We say that there are certain things we’re motivated to do and other things we just dislike too much. Yet we all experienced moments of struggle and lack of inspiration even when dealing with our biggest passions. So what’s missing?
If our answers to the question make sense, and yet we’re not still getting where we want, then the issue might lie in the question itself.
I’m suggesting that we’ll never find motivation if we’re treating it as an action. “To motivate” is a verb that points to something that doesn’t exist. It’s as empty a concept as “to ocean” someone or something. How would you do that? What does it even mean?
That’s the misunderstanding.
“How do I motivate other people (and myself)?” has no answer because it’s built on a faulty premise. That’s why we’re struggling.
As soon as the question changes, a world of possibilities and easier results open up before our eyes. that’s what we’ll explore in the next NoWay.
Love and wonder,
Nico
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